Someone cleaning my bathroom as a new mom was one of the best gifts I was ever given.
What A Win Looks Like
Three steps to more housework help and less stress
I'm going to share a secret with you today.
I don't know why it is a secret... but it seems to be.
Are you tired of never having anyone want to help you with the housework?
Are you frustrated with the lack of attention to detail your family members have when they do help?
I know all too well that feeling I get in the pit of my stomach when I see a child of mine folding towels. It seems very similar to the feeling a friend of mine gets when she sees her husband loading the dishwasher.
We've told them how time and again, and yet they still won't do it right! WHY!?!
There is a solution to this. It's a simple one, although it is more difficult than it sounds.
Are you ready? Here it is...
Step ONE... Stop it.
No, really. That's all. Stop it.
Stop caring how your kids fold the towels. Stop caring how the dishes get loaded into the dishwasher.
Stop griping and mumbling and complaining about how you are the only one who ever does anything the right way at this house.
You have a life, and a busy one at that. There will be time for perfectly folded towels and hand washed dishes when you don't have kids around anymore. Whatever gets done now, however wrong you think it is... is still a blessing to your family!
I Corinthians 13:1 says "If you have all these things, but you have not love, you are only a clanging cymbal." When you complain, nobody says, "I need to learn how to do this better." They say, "She is so picky. There is no pleasing her, so I'm going to try half as hard next time."
Learning not to care is easier said than done, but it does work. Nobody at my house complains about folding towels anymore... and as they've done it more, they've gotten better at it!
Step TWO... Be appreciative.
Yes, I know it is their house too and they are contributing as part of the team... but appreciation is one of the best forms of encouragement. Whether it be your husband, your child, or a helpful extended family member or friend, say "Thank you!" and mean it!
There are lots of ways to be appreciative. Have you told your husband lately how sexy he looks running the vacuum cleaner? Have you finished a round of chores as a family, looked at the kids and said, "You know what? I think we all deserve some ice cream!" even though they fought you all the way through? Stick to the positive reinforcement. It makes a difference!
Step THREE... Call us.
Oh, come on... you had to know that one was coming, right? If the first two don't work for you, the last one will absolutely do the trick. Hire A Housewife is here to do all the things you want done and want done correctly. That might mean dusting and vacuuming or it might mean laundry or dishes. Maybe you'll want someone to sweep out the garage or get dinner started one night a week. Or, maybe, you crave streak-free windows... Whatever it is, we'll handle it.
If we don't hear from you, we'll assume the first two worked. :-)
I don't know why it is a secret... but it seems to be.
Are you tired of never having anyone want to help you with the housework?
Are you frustrated with the lack of attention to detail your family members have when they do help?
I know all too well that feeling I get in the pit of my stomach when I see a child of mine folding towels. It seems very similar to the feeling a friend of mine gets when she sees her husband loading the dishwasher.
We've told them how time and again, and yet they still won't do it right! WHY!?!
There is a solution to this. It's a simple one, although it is more difficult than it sounds.
Are you ready? Here it is...
Step ONE... Stop it.
No, really. That's all. Stop it.
Stop griping and mumbling and complaining about how you are the only one who ever does anything the right way at this house.
You have a life, and a busy one at that. There will be time for perfectly folded towels and hand washed dishes when you don't have kids around anymore. Whatever gets done now, however wrong you think it is... is still a blessing to your family!
I Corinthians 13:1 says "If you have all these things, but you have not love, you are only a clanging cymbal." When you complain, nobody says, "I need to learn how to do this better." They say, "She is so picky. There is no pleasing her, so I'm going to try half as hard next time."
Learning not to care is easier said than done, but it does work. Nobody at my house complains about folding towels anymore... and as they've done it more, they've gotten better at it!
Step TWO... Be appreciative.
Yes, I know it is their house too and they are contributing as part of the team... but appreciation is one of the best forms of encouragement. Whether it be your husband, your child, or a helpful extended family member or friend, say "Thank you!" and mean it!
There are lots of ways to be appreciative. Have you told your husband lately how sexy he looks running the vacuum cleaner? Have you finished a round of chores as a family, looked at the kids and said, "You know what? I think we all deserve some ice cream!" even though they fought you all the way through? Stick to the positive reinforcement. It makes a difference!
Step THREE... Call us.
Oh, come on... you had to know that one was coming, right? If the first two don't work for you, the last one will absolutely do the trick. Hire A Housewife is here to do all the things you want done and want done correctly. That might mean dusting and vacuuming or it might mean laundry or dishes. Maybe you'll want someone to sweep out the garage or get dinner started one night a week. Or, maybe, you crave streak-free windows... Whatever it is, we'll handle it.
If we don't hear from you, we'll assume the first two worked. :-)
Tackling the girls' room (Days 1 & 2)
When the girls came home from their dad's house, I put them to work cleaning the floor and warned them not to touch anything else... They complied. Everything was sorted into bags and boxes like I asked.
The next step was cleaning out their dressers and shelves. They got part way through on the first night, but I soon discovered the drawers on the short dresser were full of junk. Ella's answer, "I don't want to keep clothes in my dresser." (Nice try.)
By late afternoon on Day 2 (after school Tuesday) they had almost finished cleaning out the dressers and shelves.
However, I had a meeting from 6:30-8:30 on Tuesday evening and I came home to find they had jumped ahead a few steps in the process. They were going through all of the boxes that I told them not to touch without my permission.
They put most of it back, but the stacks themselves are much less organized now.
I also found a Build-A-Bear rescue had been initiated, their newest stuffed animals pulled from the garbage bags, now laying on the bed.
So what is the next step?
One bag/box/tote at a time everything from their floor is being washed, dried and put in the living room on the couch. I don't want any mass decisions made about anything. We will touch each piece of clothing and decide if it is a keep, donate, or trash item... as well as who it belongs to. You wouldn't believe how many times I said to myself when I was picking up the clothes originally, "Hey! I wondered were that shirt went..."
We probably have 4 or 5 loads to go today... and there is household laundry mixed up in this... but before I let them touch anything else on the broken bunk bed, we will decide where every piece of clothing goes. I have a feeling that will be a battle in itself. I have yard waste bags waiting to be filled to be dropped off at Mission Mart.
Even for 5 people, we have a lot of clothes to go through.
By late afternoon on Day 2 (after school Tuesday) they had almost finished cleaning out the dressers and shelves.
However, I had a meeting from 6:30-8:30 on Tuesday evening and I came home to find they had jumped ahead a few steps in the process. They were going through all of the boxes that I told them not to touch without my permission.
They put most of it back, but the stacks themselves are much less organized now.
So what is the next step?
One bag/box/tote at a time everything from their floor is being washed, dried and put in the living room on the couch. I don't want any mass decisions made about anything. We will touch each piece of clothing and decide if it is a keep, donate, or trash item... as well as who it belongs to. You wouldn't believe how many times I said to myself when I was picking up the clothes originally, "Hey! I wondered were that shirt went..."
We probably have 4 or 5 loads to go today... and there is household laundry mixed up in this... but before I let them touch anything else on the broken bunk bed, we will decide where every piece of clothing goes. I have a feeling that will be a battle in itself. I have yard waste bags waiting to be filled to be dropped off at Mission Mart.Even for 5 people, we have a lot of clothes to go through.
This might take awhile...
Tackling the girls' room
Anyone who has heard my testimony knows that I am not usually afraid to tell it like it is. It's important that people know me, my household, and my family are far from perfect. When I come into yours, and give you ideas or help you clean something up, I am not judging you... I have no right to! I say that whatever mess you have, we have already seen it and cleaned it up before, and it was probably in our own house.
Well, if you don't believe me after this post, I don't think I'll ever be able to convince you.
My three girls, ages 17, 11, and 9, share a bedroom. I am constantly telling them to clean it up, pick it up, put laundry in the bathroom, throw away the water bottles, etc. When the bottom bunk of the bunk bed broke a couple of weeks ago, I realized that even if I found a replacement, I couldn't get into their room to change anything out.
If you read regularly, you have no doubt seen my posts about how you can de-clutter anything in 15 minutes a day. I have to say, that doesn't include a child's bedroom if they are still living in it and not picking up after themselves. Today I decided I was fed up the less than enthusiastic efforts of my children, and took it on myself to get them started.
Here are the steps I have taken so far to move us forward in this process...
1. I took pictures of everything.
2. I started bagging things up while they were gone today.
*All stuffed animals and pillows in garbage bags.
EVEN FAVORITES (Motivation for later.)
*Anything else washable from the floor into totes and garbage bags.
ESPECIALLY FAVORITES (Motivation for later.)
*Books, movies, etc. went into boxes.
*Shoes went into a box
3. I didn't pick up any trash.
4. As I worked, I swept everything to the center of the room. EVERYTHING. And I stacked the stuff that had been bagged and boxed (all will be gone through one at a time.)
5. I worked until I was tired and had other things to do.
Then I wrote this note for when they came home.
I also added that they were not allowed to put anything "away" ... because all of the "aways" still needed to be cleaned out as well.
Next step: To have them clean off their dressers and bookshelves so there is a place to put whatever they decide to keep.
This is honestly a risky blog post to put out on my business blog... I mean, what if we don't get it done? What if it turns out that I'm too busy or too exhausted to stay on them and three months from now my 17yr old is still sleeping on her mattress on the floor because I didn't stick to this or make them stick to it either!?!
Well, that will be just another reminder that I am human as well. Hopefully, though, instead of that, over the next week I will be able to show you that even though sometimes things get out of control at my house too, it is possible to take back control.
When I said I "other things to do" and stopped cleaning and wrote that note... I didn't just mean writing this blog post...
Today I'm going to take down the Christmas tree.
Well, if you don't believe me after this post, I don't think I'll ever be able to convince you.
My three girls, ages 17, 11, and 9, share a bedroom. I am constantly telling them to clean it up, pick it up, put laundry in the bathroom, throw away the water bottles, etc. When the bottom bunk of the bunk bed broke a couple of weeks ago, I realized that even if I found a replacement, I couldn't get into their room to change anything out.
If you read regularly, you have no doubt seen my posts about how you can de-clutter anything in 15 minutes a day. I have to say, that doesn't include a child's bedroom if they are still living in it and not picking up after themselves. Today I decided I was fed up the less than enthusiastic efforts of my children, and took it on myself to get them started.
Here are the steps I have taken so far to move us forward in this process...
1. I took pictures of everything.
2. I started bagging things up while they were gone today.
*All stuffed animals and pillows in garbage bags.
EVEN FAVORITES (Motivation for later.)
*Anything else washable from the floor into totes and garbage bags.
ESPECIALLY FAVORITES (Motivation for later.)
*Books, movies, etc. went into boxes.
*Shoes went into a box
3. I didn't pick up any trash.
4. As I worked, I swept everything to the center of the room. EVERYTHING. And I stacked the stuff that had been bagged and boxed (all will be gone through one at a time.)
5. I worked until I was tired and had other things to do.
Then I wrote this note for when they came home.
I also added that they were not allowed to put anything "away" ... because all of the "aways" still needed to be cleaned out as well.
Next step: To have them clean off their dressers and bookshelves so there is a place to put whatever they decide to keep.
This is honestly a risky blog post to put out on my business blog... I mean, what if we don't get it done? What if it turns out that I'm too busy or too exhausted to stay on them and three months from now my 17yr old is still sleeping on her mattress on the floor because I didn't stick to this or make them stick to it either!?!
Well, that will be just another reminder that I am human as well. Hopefully, though, instead of that, over the next week I will be able to show you that even though sometimes things get out of control at my house too, it is possible to take back control.
When I said I "other things to do" and stopped cleaning and wrote that note... I didn't just mean writing this blog post...
Today I'm going to take down the Christmas tree.
Loving Our Kids is Hard Sometimes...
Recently I spoke to my church's mom group, RC WOW, about how loving our kids means disciplining them. I would love to share it with more of you, so I thought I would type it up and post it. Feel free to leave comments.
I will be the first to tell you that I am no expert in the area of child-rearing. I've learned a lot of what I know through trial and error. As you'll read, even those results aren't conclusive. Still, I know how much it can help to know that there are other parents out there, going through the same struggles.
The verse I was given to speak about was Proverbs 31:28.
I have to tell you, I have always believed that if we went back to some of the early manuscripts of Proverbs, we would see that someone left a word out in translation. That word is EVENTUALLY. Because, let face it, if the children arise in the morning and call me blessed, I am in the wrong house! My first clue isn't even the blessed. It says they arise. There is no mention of dragging them out of bed kicking and screaming and whining and moaning.
I decided to do a little research.
Proverbs 13:24 (NLT) says, "Those who spare the rod of discipline hate their children. Those who love their children care enough to discipline them."
One day last summer I did something rare and took all of the kids inside a fast food restaurant. They all started arguing, so I told everyone to get back in the van before an order had even been placed. They were shocked.
Lauren started sobbing on the way out the door and a woman coming in squatted down to Lauren's level and started trying to get her to stop. Then Lauren managed to get out that I wasn't letting them have any food. That's when I got that look that I have come to know so well. The other kids were mortified that I was making them leave the restaurant without ordering. and even more embarrassed that I told a stranger on the way out the door. Lauren was soaking in the attention.
We do want our children to eventually arise up and call us “blessed” … but sometimes, for today, we have to be okay with growling, grumbling, glaring, and an occasional declaration of "I hate you." If we do what is right, it will all work out in the end.
I will be the first to tell you that I am no expert in the area of child-rearing. I've learned a lot of what I know through trial and error. As you'll read, even those results aren't conclusive. Still, I know how much it can help to know that there are other parents out there, going through the same struggles.
The love that I am talking about here is not the connection most people feel to their babies. It isn't the empathetic tears we get when they cry or the automatic smile we get when they laugh. Love is a verb. Love is something we do for them in spite of what we want to do or what would be easiest for us to do. Love is discipline.
The verse I was given to speak about was Proverbs 31:28.
"Her children arise up and call her blessed..."
I decided to do a little research.
Strong's Concordance defines the Hebrew version of Arise that is used in the this verse means "to be established" or to "take a stand." In other words, when her children grow up, when they become established, they will look back on their mom and call her blessed.
So let me start off by saying, YES our goal is for them to call us blessed... eventually. To get there we need to love them... and part of the way we do this is through our discipline.
Proverbs 13:24 (NLT) says, "Those who spare the rod of discipline hate their children. Those who love their children care enough to discipline them."
What love means is different for every child. Raising them to grow into the people God wants them to be takes a lot of tough love, but "tough" is different for each child. It is rarely easy.
By the time I got to child number four, I had the trip through the grocery store without whining down. Every child had thrown fits at some point. Every child had been dealt with the same way. When they started to throw a crying fit in the store, I told them they couldn't act like that with me. I then left them standing there and walked away.
I would get no more than 20 feet before the howling had turned into sniffles and they were walking with me again through the store. They were not only scared to be without me, but also not happy about the looks they were getting from strangers.
Not number four. Lauren and I were walking through Hy-Vee when she was three or four and she started throwing a fit. I tried to use the same strategy I had used with the others. I was about fifteen feet away when I turned around and saw her, flanked by three strangers who were asking her if she was okay and glaring at me. One of them attempted to buy her candy! Lauren was not only, not afraid of strangers, but she was instantly thriving on the attention.
I'd love to say this was an isolated incident, but it has happened again and again… even as recently as last summer. Strangers are drawn to my youngest when she cries. One day last summer I did something rare and took all of the kids inside a fast food restaurant. They all started arguing, so I told everyone to get back in the van before an order had even been placed. They were shocked.
Lauren started sobbing on the way out the door and a woman coming in squatted down to Lauren's level and started trying to get her to stop. Then Lauren managed to get out that I wasn't letting them have any food. That's when I got that look that I have come to know so well. The other kids were mortified that I was making them leave the restaurant without ordering. and even more embarrassed that I told a stranger on the way out the door. Lauren was soaking in the attention.
What would have been the easiest thing to do in the Wendy's situation? I could have just gone ahead and ordered and glared at them all through dinner. Disapproval will honestly affect one of my four. The other three would have been un-phased. Lauren, obviously needs to be disciplined in a way that does not garner her any attention from strangers.
Instead we left. They continued to fight in the car about whose fault it was that we left. So, while I showed some grace and went through the drive-thru when they were finally repentant (and frankly, it was my birthday, which is the reason we went out), our evening out was over.
Ecclesiastes 8:11 says, "When the sentence for a crime is not quickly carried out, people’s hearts are filled with schemes to do wrong."
While many people will debate actual punishments and methods for discipline, the Bible shows how God used three main steps when loving His children through discipline.
Loving Our Kids Means.
1. Telling them the rules
2. Telling them the consequences
3. Sticking to those consequences
It's hard. But God gave us this example right in the beginning of the Bible.
He told Adam and Eve that if they ate the fruit from the tree they would die. They did. He didn't say, "I know I told you. Why didn't you listen? Lets have a time-out and then you can come back and try again." He kicked them out of the garden. He immediately made them accept the consequences for what they had done.
My older two children have their own cell phones. They both got them when they turned 11. They are smartphones, but when they received them we also gave them a long set of rules and consequences that went along with the responsibility of keeping a phone. These include making it clear that they could have to hand over their phone for inspection at any time and that texting history/browsing history would be verified with the phone bill/known usage to make sure things weren't being periodically deleted before we saw them.
Just before my oldest turned 15, her father checked her phone and found some questionable emails from a boy as well as some texts to someone she wasn't supposed to be talking to. He called me and we made a decision. Alexandra immediately lost her phone and internet access indefinitely.
Did I want her to have a phone? Very much so. As a single mom, it was hard on me for her not to have one. We did not have a home phone, and as my babysitter that summer, it was difficult to communicate at times. She also wanted to be involved in school activities, but it means planning way in advance if she needed a ride home or if she would be gone while she was supposed to babysitting for me. Their father uses the phones to stay in touch with the children as well. It was hard to get a hold of them at times.
Still, my ex-husband and I stuck to our decision and made her earn it back by showing that she could be respectful and follow the rules. It took 7 months for her to get her phone back. It took several more months for her to earn back her iPhone apps. She didn't have access to an internet browser for almost a year.
Taking the phone away and sticking to it was hard. But we proved that we love her over our own inconveniences.
Your challenge this next week is to 1.) Find the place where setting a boundary for your child is hard for you. Something that it is easier to ignore than to deal with. Something that you have let slide 1000 times, but something that you know will make them a better person if they learn the boundary.
You can’t all of the sudden come down on them with a sledgehammer. But saying “I’m not going to tolerate --- anymore. The next time you do it, this will be the consequence, no matter what.” in ONE new area is fair.
The second part of that challenge is 2.) Pray that God shows you the areas where you need to love your children more in this way, so that they can grow up to be the people He wants them to be. This is not easy.
Remember that you asked God to show you, but you can't tell Him HOW to show you. So, when your mother-in-law says, "It drives me crazy seeing him get away with that." or your best friend says, "She shouldn't be talking to you like that." don't get angry or frustrated with them. Take it as an answer to your prayer for direction and do something about it!
We do want our children to eventually arise up and call us “blessed” … but sometimes, for today, we have to be okay with growling, grumbling, glaring, and an occasional declaration of "I hate you." If we do what is right, it will all work out in the end.
The Joy of Giving with a Servant's Heart
I was taking care of our newborn, our two-year-old, and our six-year-old and my husband, who had left a few months before, was remaining steadfast in his resolve for a divorce. I was falling to pieces in more ways than anyone even knew.
My friend came to my house and spent over an hour cleaning my bathroom. It was a huge bathroom... and she covered every square inch. She scrubbed the toilet, the tub, the tile and even the carpet where the cat had gotten sick (probably weeks before) and I had halfheartedly cleaned it up.
The love I felt from her when she gave with a servant's heart was so uplifting. I still remember that as the best gift I've ever received and will tell people so when a related topic comes up from time to time.
Giving a gift to someone who has had a new baby or is recovering from surgery is an automatic thing for some people... "Let's send flowers." It doesn't mean they care any less, and the gift receiver loves it as well... but caving to the automatic response can take the joy away from the gift giver.
I want to challenge you to put the JOY back into your giving.
Know that when you are giving a gift, it is something that is truly given with the receiver in mind. If you can't afford a gift that needs to be bought, consider what you can do for that person.
Offer to rock the new baby while the new mom takes a nap.
Offer to take the older sibling(s) to the park for the afternoon.
Make dinner for a family who is experiencing an illness.
Clean their kitchen.
Fold the laundry.
Or, don't even go in their house... just mow the yard.
Obviously, as a small business owner, I would encourage everyone to give a gift certificate for cleaning, cooking and errands from Hire A Housewife ;-) But really, everyone has the ability to do something meaningful for their friends... bless someone by having the heart of a servant.
You could even clean their deep freeze.
What is the best gift you've ever received? Leave a comment and let us know!
For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another. Galations 5:13
It's Okay...
It's Okay...
It's okay to mop the walls sometimes
It's alright to the vacuum the bed
But don't use anything for the toilet
That has other uses instead
It's okay to Windex the kitchen sink
It's alright to skip swiffering the floor
But it's always worth your time
To clean the glass front door
It's okay do what works sometimes
It's alright to get it done fast
Your babies need you with them today
And days like this won't last
It's alright to the vacuum the bed
But don't use anything for the toilet
That has other uses instead
It's okay to Windex the kitchen sink
It's alright to skip swiffering the floor
But it's always worth your time
To clean the glass front door
It's okay do what works sometimes
It's alright to get it done fast
Your babies need you with them today
And days like this won't last
Copyright 2013 Kindall Nelson
<vent>You know which wall I'm talking about... that wall behind the garbage can in your kitchen? I know you don't want to scrub yours any more than I want to scrub mine... WHY can't the kids get the trash IN THE CAN!?! </vent>
And this is what would necessitate vacuuming the bed....
I'm sure there is a post coming soon about the front door... a clean glass door is welcoming to friends and family and lets in sunlight. I'm stopping there or I'll write it now!
My point is this... do what you need to do to live comfortably and then spend the rest of your time loving your family. Helping others. Taking the kids (or grand kids) to the park. Praying. Doing things you love to do.
And when you realize that all of those things are more important to you than spending your time cleaning and organizing... call us! Let us do the not-so-fun stuff so that you can have fun!
She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. Proverbs 31:25
How to Know if You Are a Good Mom
So how do you know if you are a bad mom?
This can be a tricky question for some people. I could give long, winding answers about things a good mom does or does not do. I could talk about how your kids dress for school. I could talk about how much of a balanced diet your child eats. I could talk about what time they go to bed and how long it takes them to get up in the morning... but none of those things are the deciding factor on whether or not you are a bad mom... I have that... Are you ready? Do you want to know?
Are you sure?
Are you waiting on the edge of your seat to find out?
If you answered "Yes!" when I asked if you wanted to know... here is your answer...
You are not a bad mom.
Only good moms would read the title of this blog post and then stick around to read the rest.
Only good moms care enough to keep reading to find out if they are good moms.
You are not perfect. You may make mistakes. Your SuperMom cape might have gone missing in the piles of laundry a long time ago. None of that matters...
You care. That is what matters.
You care. That is what matters.
As a mother comforts her child, so I will comfort you; and you will be comforted over Jerusalem. Isaiah 66:13